They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
They must have gotten it to go.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Canada has crack?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–