They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.