They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach