They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
He has no idea 🤡
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode