They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock