Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.