Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there