They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Pretty much! 😂👀
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
