Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

12653.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Autocarrot sucks!

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.