Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

What’s so funny?

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.