They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.