They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.