Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

This poor dog

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup