Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

one last job

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee