Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

I am crying

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck