They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.