Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor