Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

😭😭😭😭

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.