They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
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I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?