They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.