@mommajessiec: They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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@daemonic3: [on phone] ME: Babe what's the wifi password? HER: We broke up. I told you last night ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
@TheAlexNevil: Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick? Me: No Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do Me: Fine Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000 Me: Ok Insomnia: Is it 1? Me: No Insomnia: Is it 2? Me: ...No Insomnia: 3? Me: ...I hate you Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
@dmc1138: Me: "I updated the employee handbook like you asked." Boss: "This is just a book with pics of everyone's hands." Me: "Pretty cool, right?"