They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“Worm Regards”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.