They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When your man makes a valid point
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?