They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Cat is stressing him out.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
dads on road-trips be like
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Customize Your Wedding.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy