They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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Stop making fast and furious movies.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?