They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist