They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.