Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.