Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?