They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Windchimes
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.