They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
This week’s mood.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
smh
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.