Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn