Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

some Old Testament wisdom

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”