“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Erm…
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My background check bounced.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles