They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Blew my mind.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Body by Oreos
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
weaknesses
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*