They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
