Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

*Seductively hides in the woods

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.