They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship