They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
You Might Also Like
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML