They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
For the record, standing outside my field of vision at the reference desk and silently waving a paper at me with increasing intensity isn’t so much “requesting my assistance” as it is “inventing a new party game.”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
i wonder why they stopped looking
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”