Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw