Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.