Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing