“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
With a text.
