“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Lmfaoooooo
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist