“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.