“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

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Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.


God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.


THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game



A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended


*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*


Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.


Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.