I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My wife is playing hard to get.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.