Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
You Might Also Like
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
me
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.