They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
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Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me in a relationship:
