They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro