They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.