Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

I’m confused about plants

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.