They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
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Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’