Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away