Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk what this dog had been going through but same

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

#polloftheday

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!