They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.