Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

The honesty is refreshing

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.