they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow