they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Confused owl: What?!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.