Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.