They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi