They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
had to share :’)
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet