They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.