Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’