Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.