Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him