They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The options really are this bad
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I might give this a try 😏
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head