Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw