They say women only use 10% of their anger
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
the battle rages on
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am