Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me