They say women only use 10% of their anger
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it