They say women only use 10% of their anger
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The Weeknd is back
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people