They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.