They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842