They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
You Might Also Like
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
i made a craigslist ad !
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
This is always good for a laugh.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.