They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Good Morning.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler