Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..