They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
You Might Also Like
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.