They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
when dads have a rap battle
I put the p in pants.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT